the ex files.

So last night I think I may have made a terrible mistake.

I opened the exfiles. Well, he opened them, but I let him. Here’s the things he said yesterday, on instant messenger, directly related to the events of the evening.

nofan: Hey sugar
nofan: Miss u
nofan: I'm a mess today
ericaherself: whats going on, tired one?
nofan: Dunno, I'm kinda sad
nofan: And tired
ericaherself: what about?
nofan: Not happy with girlfriend recently
ericaherself: how come?
ericaherself: or do you not want to talk about it?
ericaherself: or do you want to talk about it not on the sidekick?
nofan: Dunno, just not thrilled about the sex life
nofan: Not getting better, Losing interest
ericaherself: thats too bad, im sorry.
nofan: Bored
nofan: Sad
nofan: Miss u
nofan: I want to break up with girlfriend I think
ericaherself: just for the sex?
nofan: Mostly
nofan: And her lack of decisions about plans
ericaherself: hahaha.
ericaherself: sorry, that sounds like me.
nofan: Like u
nofan: Laugh it up
nofan: Ya
ericaherself: heh. you didnt break up with me over it
ericaherself: but i guess our sex was better..
nofan: I'm like half in love, If that, With u it was fire
ericaherself: i remember it well.
nofan: I'm forgetting
ericaherself: that might be better. you seem to remember when you're with me tho.
nofan: I try to forget, But its not successful often
nofan: How should I do this?
ericaherself: how should you do what? break up with the girlfriend?? there’s no way in hell I'm qualified to answer that question
ericaherself: i need a good fucking.
nofan: You evil bitch
ericaherself: sorry, i tell it like it is
nofan: No one fucks you like I do
nofan: I have such a hardon, you evil evil girl
nofan: Devil woman
ericaherself: well, is it really my fault i know how to get you off better than anyone else?
nofan: I love you more than anything, and I can't get over it Even when I try to be cold It makes it worse
nofan: So what ru up to tonight?
ericaherself: I didn’t get in until noon today, so I have to wait around here till everyone important is gone, then gym, then home. (to wait for you ;) )
ericaherself: or you could just pick me up at the gym
nofan: hah
nofan: Meanie
ericaherself: you think?
nofan: U didn't even respond to my comments
ericaherself: i dont know what to say. I love you too. Immensely. I hate being without you. but I'm not sure if any of the things that drove us apart have changed.
nofan: True
nofan: I'm crying
nofan: I have to go
ericaherself: you don’t have to
nofan: Yeah, I can't talk anymore now
ericaherself: sigh.
ericaherself: ok.
ericaherself: but i don’t think we helped anything.
nofan: Well u made me cry at least
ericaherself: that wasn't my intention. i just want to figure this stuff out too
ericaherself: my heart is missing a big huge piece and nothing i do fills it.
nofan: Me too
nofan: Big time
nofan: Except puffy bird
nofan: She helps
ericaherself: i know.
ericaherself: it was so hard for me to leave them the other day
ericaherself: i felt like such an ass crying
nofan: Its ok baby
ericaherself: i dont know what the hell we're supposed to do, baby.
nofan: Nor do i
ericaherself: yeah.
ericaherself: sigh.
nofan: I'm off
nofan: Thanks for confusing me more about the girlfriend ;)
ericaherself: i did no such thing
ericaherself: so, when are you picking me up?
ericaherself: ;)
nofan: Cant
nofan: I'm in bad shape right now
ericaherself: im kidding. You're right. we just fuck things up worse trying to do things.
nofan: Fuck things up?
ericaherself: well, when you fool around with me it doesn’t help your brain
ericaherself: and apparently you can’t not fool around with me
ericaherself: (im not sure if i can or not)
nofan: How do we fuck things up?
nofan: I wish u were here in bed with me
nofan: Sure it does
nofan: It makes me not settle for second best
nofan: True
nofan: You are like my crack
nofan: You melt me
ericaherself: There is something between us that I'm 99% sure will always be there.
ericaherself: I need you in ways I don’t know or understand.
nofan: Cool then I'm pretty much fucked
nofan: I agree with u
ericaherself: i just don't even know what we should do or try to do
ericaherself: you know?
nofan: Got me
nofan: Kinda
nofan: I don't fucking know
nofan: I want to disappear
ericaherself: disappear?
ericaherself: from what?
nofan: This shit
nofan: Bye
ericaherself: honey
ericaherself: running away abruptly like that isn’t helpful to anyone
nofan: I need to go
nofan: Its bad
nofan: Love you
nofan: Always
ericaherself: love you too.
ericaherself: always.
ericaherself: immensely
nofan: I need you
ericaherself: i wish i could give you what you need.
nofan: You do, I just try not to let you for some reason
ericaherself: you mean sex?
ericaherself: i don’t think that’s really what you need.
nofan: No I mean your love
nofan: Our love
ericaherself: yeah, well i'm not totally offering that up either.
ericaherself: im holding onto it and cherishing it and thinking about it (probably way too much) but I'm also kind of stuffing it back
ericaherself: i don’t want to complicate things
nofan: Ok I go
ericaherself: you keep saying that
ericaherself: you mean it this time? ;)
nofan: Yer mean
ericaherself: im trying not to be baby.
ericaherself: I love you.
Session Close (nofan): Wed Aug 18 19:47:42 2004

3 hours later he called me to chat. He kept saying he wanted to come by, and I kept loosing the hints and not going with them. We said goodnight, hung up, then he called back and said he really wanted to come over. I acquiesced.

And you know what? It was fucking spectacular. All of it. Just hanging out and talking, cuddling on the couch, the vibe… I even felt that melting into him thing I haven’t had in years. And the sex? Out of this world. I kept saying, ‘wow, that was incredible sex!’ and he would correct me, ‘that wasn’t sex, that was love.’

I’m pretty fucked up about it right now. I know that all od the things that drove us apart are still there. I know that he’s still not really my type, nor am I his. I know I still want children and he dosen’t. I know I’ll never be good enough or motivated enough in my career for him…
But the sheer familiarity. And that Love.
I have some serious thinking to do. Good thing I’m off for the weekend to NH. And have a date with the widower to remind me of all of my other options.