FOUL MOOD! WIDOWER -1!
So once, long ago when the widower and I started dating, we tried monogamy. It just didn't work out. He was still (in fact, is still) working through a lot of the pain and agony of loosing his wife, and we really rushed into things. After many starts, stops, freakouts, restarts, and general pain, we decided the best plan would be to consider ourselves free agents and move about our business.
Except we still really dig each other.
It's strange. I don't mind being fuckbuddies, not at all. Even though the fucking isn't all that great most generally - I really enjoy the buddy part. He's such a charming, charismatic and intelligent man. He's tall and dark and very handsome. He's established in his career and life, and enjoys good times and fine friends. He has lots of toys and knows how to enjoy himself. He calls me kitten. It's most adorable.
And I would love to hang out with him and support him and have him support me as he moves more towards being ready for a relationship. I'd LOVE to be that relationship. But I'm trying not to force it.
So we exist in this weird sort of limmerance. He's fucking other people; I'm fucking other people. He doesn’t want to hear about it, and we have occasional discussions where he jokes with me about 'being faithful to him' but my answer is always this:
Well, Widower - if you don't pet the kitten, she's not going to stay on the porch.
And for me, this is fairly significant. He’s pretty much the ONLY person in rotation right now I would consider monogamy with. I just so happen to like his porch.
We had plans last Saturday night. He cancelled them with a decent amount of notice because he had been invited to a redsox game. He’s going through a bunch of shit with his work life right now, trying to sell his company and get another round of funding and all of this shit, and somehow, someone who was a major player invited him to the game.
As I typed that paragraph I had to seriously hold myself back from using the words allegedly, supposedly and he said. He’s given me no reason to distrust him so far, other than being a salesman and powerful business executive by trade. He’s told me that in business sometimes you lie and do unscrupulous things, but the ends justify the means. But he says that’s not the case in personal relationships and he’s NOT doing that with me. I’m choosing to believe him, but it’s a constant battle. I think the doubts are (until he proves me otherwise) my fault and my issue… but they tend to make me more bitchy than I mean to be.
So, to reschedule from Saturday, we had planned dinner today. We even confirmed this last night. Then this morning, I get a voicemail saying he has a meeting in Boston at 5, and dosen’t want me sitting in his driveway waiting for him and can we reschedule. I call him back, and somewhat tightlippedly tell him ‘I have plans every other night this week’ and he hears the frustration in my voice.
I’m sorry, I can’t help it. Before the transition to unmonogamy, his canceling our plans together was a HUGE thorn in my side. It happened all the time, and seriously frustrated me. I even guilted him into sending me flowers at work once after a particularly thoughtless exhibition. And now it’s starting again.
I realize he has his business. I realize this is a crunch time. It just dosen’t help me be any less horny or needing him.
So, here are our emails from today.
**********************************
Sent: Tuesday, October 26, 2004 10:25 AM
Subject: that sound in my voice
was pure unadulterated sexual frustration.
I’m all shaved and powdered and lotioned and wearing a G string and
FUCKING HORNY.
Ahem.
Sorry.
Good luck with shit. I don’t mean to be a burden. I’m just feeling like my needs aren’t being met.
I’m looking forward to dinner on Sunday. And possibly seeing you Friday night.
I wish the kitty didn’t have to wander off the porch.
~e
*************
His response:
*************
Sent: Tuesday, October 26, 2004 10:58 AM
To: Erica
Subject: Re: that sound in my voice
Kitten:
I am sorry that you are sexually frustrated, please save it for me, don't go off the porch!!
Things sometimes get fucked up and I need to attend to them. You are not a burden and I am sorry to screw up things for tonight.
Things always take 50 times longer than you think, it is part of growing up and maturing.
I am really looking forward to celebrating your birthday on Sunday, you pick the place, I was thinking an early dinner, maybe 5:00 PM and then a nice overnight at my house. :) It should be great!
I am planning to do my best for Friday, though I might be headed to NYC to meet an investor from Baltimore. My company is close to the edge of oblivion and I need to be sure that it does not go over.
Thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you.
****************
I just never know what to think. And I seriously don’t know what to do about the whole horny and ready thing! So here’s my response.
*******
Hey hotstuff
It may not seem like it, but I do understand that you are in a stressful crunch time right now and have things you have to attend to which aren’t necessarily working out as you had planned.
I’m just concerned that things are falling into old patterns again. I can rationally know and believe that it’s ok, and your company and business HAVE to come first, I’m just worried to set the ‘hey don’t worry about me, I’ll bend for you’ precedent. I think it would be a different story if I got to see you more often, but when it’s once a week and our last meeting was also cancelled; I can’t help but react poorly.
I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Maybe whip out the vibrator drawer or something.
And I don’t want to go off the porch. I think I’ve made it clear what I’d like in the end, but what I’m not PUSHING for. I think my exact phrase was ‘say the word, widower. Say the word.’
Just so you know.
Let me revise that. Say the word, and let me know you’re saying the word!
I don’t know where we should go Sunday, will you pick and surprise me? Somewhere yummy and good, ok? And I’d love to get slightly dressed up, if at all possible. You know how I am.
Anyway, good luck today. Would you please get this shit done so I can stop missing you?
**********
Am i being reasonable? Am I coming across as truly conflicted as I am? I want to be cool, i want to be hip, i want to be supportive and understanding, i just don't want to be FUCKED. (whelp not that way anyway)
I guess I’ll just sit here in my gstring and marinade in my own juices.
FreakyFuckFoul has invited me to sneak over tonight after his kid goes to sleep, but I’m just not down for that, nor his alternate suggestion of just showing up in a skirt and letting him get me off on the porch.
NoFan was supposed to be taking me out for dinner tomorrow for my upcoming birthday and asked if I’d like to drive to see him tonight instead. I don’t think I do. Maybe I should just go home and chill. Or maybe I should post an ad and meet someone new and different.
Vote by comment please!
xoxoxox
~erica
Except we still really dig each other.
It's strange. I don't mind being fuckbuddies, not at all. Even though the fucking isn't all that great most generally - I really enjoy the buddy part. He's such a charming, charismatic and intelligent man. He's tall and dark and very handsome. He's established in his career and life, and enjoys good times and fine friends. He has lots of toys and knows how to enjoy himself. He calls me kitten. It's most adorable.
And I would love to hang out with him and support him and have him support me as he moves more towards being ready for a relationship. I'd LOVE to be that relationship. But I'm trying not to force it.
So we exist in this weird sort of limmerance. He's fucking other people; I'm fucking other people. He doesn’t want to hear about it, and we have occasional discussions where he jokes with me about 'being faithful to him' but my answer is always this:
Well, Widower - if you don't pet the kitten, she's not going to stay on the porch.
And for me, this is fairly significant. He’s pretty much the ONLY person in rotation right now I would consider monogamy with. I just so happen to like his porch.
We had plans last Saturday night. He cancelled them with a decent amount of notice because he had been invited to a redsox game. He’s going through a bunch of shit with his work life right now, trying to sell his company and get another round of funding and all of this shit, and somehow, someone who was a major player invited him to the game.
As I typed that paragraph I had to seriously hold myself back from using the words allegedly, supposedly and he said. He’s given me no reason to distrust him so far, other than being a salesman and powerful business executive by trade. He’s told me that in business sometimes you lie and do unscrupulous things, but the ends justify the means. But he says that’s not the case in personal relationships and he’s NOT doing that with me. I’m choosing to believe him, but it’s a constant battle. I think the doubts are (until he proves me otherwise) my fault and my issue… but they tend to make me more bitchy than I mean to be.
So, to reschedule from Saturday, we had planned dinner today. We even confirmed this last night. Then this morning, I get a voicemail saying he has a meeting in Boston at 5, and dosen’t want me sitting in his driveway waiting for him and can we reschedule. I call him back, and somewhat tightlippedly tell him ‘I have plans every other night this week’ and he hears the frustration in my voice.
I’m sorry, I can’t help it. Before the transition to unmonogamy, his canceling our plans together was a HUGE thorn in my side. It happened all the time, and seriously frustrated me. I even guilted him into sending me flowers at work once after a particularly thoughtless exhibition. And now it’s starting again.
I realize he has his business. I realize this is a crunch time. It just dosen’t help me be any less horny or needing him.
So, here are our emails from today.
**********************************
Sent: Tuesday, October 26, 2004 10:25 AM
Subject: that sound in my voice
was pure unadulterated sexual frustration.
I’m all shaved and powdered and lotioned and wearing a G string and
FUCKING HORNY.
Ahem.
Sorry.
Good luck with shit. I don’t mean to be a burden. I’m just feeling like my needs aren’t being met.
I’m looking forward to dinner on Sunday. And possibly seeing you Friday night.
I wish the kitty didn’t have to wander off the porch.
~e
*************
His response:
*************
Sent: Tuesday, October 26, 2004 10:58 AM
To: Erica
Subject: Re: that sound in my voice
Kitten:
I am sorry that you are sexually frustrated, please save it for me, don't go off the porch!!
Things sometimes get fucked up and I need to attend to them. You are not a burden and I am sorry to screw up things for tonight.
Things always take 50 times longer than you think, it is part of growing up and maturing.
I am really looking forward to celebrating your birthday on Sunday, you pick the place, I was thinking an early dinner, maybe 5:00 PM and then a nice overnight at my house. :) It should be great!
I am planning to do my best for Friday, though I might be headed to NYC to meet an investor from Baltimore. My company is close to the edge of oblivion and I need to be sure that it does not go over.
Thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you.
****************
I just never know what to think. And I seriously don’t know what to do about the whole horny and ready thing! So here’s my response.
*******
Hey hotstuff
It may not seem like it, but I do understand that you are in a stressful crunch time right now and have things you have to attend to which aren’t necessarily working out as you had planned.
I’m just concerned that things are falling into old patterns again. I can rationally know and believe that it’s ok, and your company and business HAVE to come first, I’m just worried to set the ‘hey don’t worry about me, I’ll bend for you’ precedent. I think it would be a different story if I got to see you more often, but when it’s once a week and our last meeting was also cancelled; I can’t help but react poorly.
I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Maybe whip out the vibrator drawer or something.
And I don’t want to go off the porch. I think I’ve made it clear what I’d like in the end, but what I’m not PUSHING for. I think my exact phrase was ‘say the word, widower. Say the word.’
Just so you know.
Let me revise that. Say the word, and let me know you’re saying the word!
I don’t know where we should go Sunday, will you pick and surprise me? Somewhere yummy and good, ok? And I’d love to get slightly dressed up, if at all possible. You know how I am.
Anyway, good luck today. Would you please get this shit done so I can stop missing you?
**********
Am i being reasonable? Am I coming across as truly conflicted as I am? I want to be cool, i want to be hip, i want to be supportive and understanding, i just don't want to be FUCKED. (whelp not that way anyway)
I guess I’ll just sit here in my gstring and marinade in my own juices.
FreakyFuckFoul has invited me to sneak over tonight after his kid goes to sleep, but I’m just not down for that, nor his alternate suggestion of just showing up in a skirt and letting him get me off on the porch.
NoFan was supposed to be taking me out for dinner tomorrow for my upcoming birthday and asked if I’d like to drive to see him tonight instead. I don’t think I do. Maybe I should just go home and chill. Or maybe I should post an ad and meet someone new and different.
Vote by comment please!
xoxoxox
~erica
posted by erica looking at 4:30 PM
2 Comments:
yeah, post an ad. i recommend plentyoffish.com because it's FREE. and you can also post another ad for the girlz.
really, these guys remind me of the boy, BUT the sex obviously isn't as good. LOL! i'm not seeing him anymore, either. ;)
Tough position you're in. I say go home and just relax. You sound like you've had all the drama for one birthday and ned to just be on your own for an evening to let things in your head settle.
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