An open letter to the staff at the hospital Sunday night.
Dear intake paperwork nurse: I don’t know why you acted surprised when someone came stumbling into your little glass walled enclosure, slurring their speech and mumbling about taking too many pills and not wanting to die… but you really should try harder to cover your reaction.
Doctor: I know you have taken an oath to support and protect life, and you probably spend most of your days helping people who didn’t try to hurt themselves - who were sick through no fault of their own – but you really should hide your disdain for me JUST a little bit. I changed my mind – I didn’t want to die… I came for help.
To the amateur vampire phlebotomist: Every time I donate blood the tech practically salivates at how easy my veins are to find. No one has ever had a problem, yet you had to stick my arm twice and the top of my hand 3 times before you could seat the frigging IV shunt. I am now EXTREMELY bruised and was in discomfort all night. Go back to school and learn the art of needle sticking properly.
To the makers of charcoal for oral administration. After tasting and choking down 12 ounces of that black paste, I almost changed my mind about wanting to live. Invest in some flavoring.
To the people who make the adhesives on the backs of the little 3M moitoring pads – do you really have to make it industrial strength? 5 days later I’m still trying to scrub it off my skin. And even nail polish remover won’t cut it.
To the psych nurse and ward, thank you for your concern, but your inability to understand the fact that I can’t just disappear for a weeks voluntary stay at an inpatient treatment center did not make my night any easier. I know you were just covering your asses, but come on.
And thank you, to my monsterously jealous, just as crazy as I am, vindictive boyfriend. It hurt so bad to have you realize I lied to you, even though you lied to me, 1000 times worse and more often.
But you know, I swallowed those pills because I didn’t want to conceive of life without you. I still don’t. It’s crazy, I know – but we’re both getting help and treatment. Let’s make it work. I love you.
Doctor: I know you have taken an oath to support and protect life, and you probably spend most of your days helping people who didn’t try to hurt themselves - who were sick through no fault of their own – but you really should hide your disdain for me JUST a little bit. I changed my mind – I didn’t want to die… I came for help.
To the amateur vampire phlebotomist: Every time I donate blood the tech practically salivates at how easy my veins are to find. No one has ever had a problem, yet you had to stick my arm twice and the top of my hand 3 times before you could seat the frigging IV shunt. I am now EXTREMELY bruised and was in discomfort all night. Go back to school and learn the art of needle sticking properly.
To the makers of charcoal for oral administration. After tasting and choking down 12 ounces of that black paste, I almost changed my mind about wanting to live. Invest in some flavoring.
To the people who make the adhesives on the backs of the little 3M moitoring pads – do you really have to make it industrial strength? 5 days later I’m still trying to scrub it off my skin. And even nail polish remover won’t cut it.
To the psych nurse and ward, thank you for your concern, but your inability to understand the fact that I can’t just disappear for a weeks voluntary stay at an inpatient treatment center did not make my night any easier. I know you were just covering your asses, but come on.
And thank you, to my monsterously jealous, just as crazy as I am, vindictive boyfriend. It hurt so bad to have you realize I lied to you, even though you lied to me, 1000 times worse and more often.
But you know, I swallowed those pills because I didn’t want to conceive of life without you. I still don’t. It’s crazy, I know – but we’re both getting help and treatment. Let’s make it work. I love you.
posted by erica looking at 5:36 PM
7 Comments:
First, if this is the same loser as your last two posts, you won't make it work. Second, even in your attempt at jest, that's a really bad attitude to have towards the people who saved your life despite your stupidity. Sma'aten up, Erica. I don't like doling out the tough love, but you need it.
When I was 17 I overdosed and spent 3 months in the hospital...the crazy people's unit. When my ex broke up with me last year, I nearly killed myself then too. Then I remembered...life isn't about them, it's about me. Only you can make you feel good, no one else can do that for you. You have SO many people in cyber space that love you, your writing and the way you portray life in general. I only wish I could be so open with myself as you are here. I hope you really are getting help, and if you need to talk, we're out here, we'll listen....your not alone.
Erica- Look at your License picture. Remember the 20 minutes before it was taken. Now close your eyes and smile. I want you to know the good times FAR outweight the bad. Call me if you want to talk. You need a big giant hug.
Fuckfoul
to the dumb bitch that attempted to kill herself: next time i sit in the emergency room bleeding from a non self inflicted wound i hope they take me in first and let you lay in a stouper on the floor in a pile of your own vomit
marcy says: Wow. Good thing you didn't try to set yourself on fire like a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk. I know a gal who tried going out that way. She was running around screaming until some guy put her out. Now she is peeling off burnt skin everywhere and going through all kinds of reconstructive surgery.....and she probably wants to die more than ever. Suicide is supposed to be painless....and definitely not for amateurs.....marcythewhore
PS...I kept your link to win a bet that an exhibitionist might say goodbye, but an exhibitionist can never ever really go away.
I'm glad you are okay, or at least getting better. I miss talking to you and would love to have another conversation. Please hang in there and I hope you get a few deep breaths of fresh air soon. Vermont is still not that far away!
Oh well, I guess second time was the charm-- she offed herself and now we have no more updates. A shame, E., we all enjoyed this stuff.
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