debauchery ensues.

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Again, the craziness ensues.

So, Tuesday night I started the evening with a date. This young guy (21!) on match.com had been messaging me for a while and seemed nice enough. For some odd reason, I set up a date with him. See, I get TONS of responses from match.com but somehow most of them don’t interest me. Maybe I need to wander over to alt.com or plentyoffish.com…

Maybe it was the fact he’s a firefighter and we all know the whole sexual inferno fantasies that go with that…

It was not to be. He’s sweet, he really is. Cute and shy and he was SOOOO nervous! But that was really all it was. I felt like I was having dinner with a KID.

SO I left him, and called my mom. She was headed out for a drink or two that night, so I decided to join her. She spent the evening being hit on by an ex of hers who was so utterly WASTED he crashed thru a table, 2 chairs and innumerable bottles and ashtrays to land, flat on the floor ON HIS WAY OUT TO HIS CAR TO DRIVE HOME! Needless to say, mommy and her friend put the kibosh on him driving and chauffeured him to his doorstep.

Well, as soon as mommy left, I think just about EVERY GUY in the bar started hitting on me. The most memorable?
a. Mr.Retirement. He came over and started telling me how good I looked and asking if I’d like to go out to dinner sometime. He was older- silver hair and GREAT eyes. We had the age discussion, in which he told me he was 42. He said I was FAR too young for him, however. He thought I was 22 (or at least said so for bonus points!). Later in the conversation, just before he asked me if I liked to give oral sex and wanted to come home with him that night, he also let on he lied, and was actually 52. Goodness. He was very persistent, but I just wasn’t interested.
b. Figiwaterman. I don’t really remember much of this dude, but I have a memento… a business card. How does one compose a witty email to someone they don’t even remember meeting at the bar?
c. BadSinger. It was karaoke. A very cute guy was sitting next to me, and started chatting me up. Turns out he’s just moved back to NH also, after breaking up with his girlfriend of 4 years (SOUND FAMILIAR!?!?) Best thing was, he was also out at the bar with his mother! I thought this one had promise, but he ended up sucking face with some pig-faced skinnybitch. He’ll never know what he missed out on. Besides, even if he told me he sings in a band, his rendition of PearlJam’s LastKiss was quite possibly the WORST karaoke I’ve ever experienced.
d. BadPickUpLine approached me to say, ‘hey, I found your email address.’ I know I don’t know him. It was either a very bad pickup line or I have someone who looks like me wandering around the bars in Concord.
e. And then there’s TheWinner. At closing time I thought I had a chance to chat up BadSinger, but noticed him snogging with pigfacechick. I walked, dejectedly to my car, and while I was sitting there letting it warm up, some dude who I’d not spoken to as of yet that night hopped into the passenger seat and started talking to me. The details are rather fuzzy, but suffice it to say I took him home with me, and we at least fucked (I know, I found the condom on the floor the next morning).

I think I passed out on him. I woke up the next morning, contacts still in, eyeballs glued shut, half an hour late for work. He was in my bed, and decided to get me off. Although I had no time, I have been in desperate need of such things lately, so I let him. I jumped up to get in the shower, and he disappeared while I was underwater! He had no car, so I don’t know where he went or what he did. I assume probably walked to the store down the street and called someone to pick him up! But he didn’t even say goodbye! Maybe because I’m a greedy bitch and never returned the getting off favor! Hahahaha. How unlike me.

Here’s the terrible part. If he even told me his name, I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what it is.

Oh well.

Heh. I amuse me sooooo much.