i said be careful, his bowtie is really a camera...
Tonight is pretty lonely, my friends.
Not sure what’s going on with me – i keep crying at inappropriate times, and am feeling SUPER lonely. And I don’t want sex. Must be period time.
But seriously. i won’t say i’ve never been worse – i’ve tried to off myself before, and trust me, i’m a long way from that. But it’s pretty fucking bad.
I’ll be back once I make it around the bend. But as a parting shot – I’ll fill you in on my Thursday night.
I decided I HAD to go out, so I proceeded to the other local watering hole (the one with pool tables!) and promised myself 2 drinks and leave by 10. The gods must have been smiling on me (sort of) because I was playing some of the best pool of my life. Well; in true Erica fashion, I’d run the table the whole game, then loose the game on the 8ball… but people kept challenging me and I was having a good time. I thought I spotted the winner (the random boy I’d taken home a few weeks past who disappeared while I showered in the morning). I decided to play it cool and didn’t say anything.
Finally he walks up to me and starts talking to me like nothing’s doing. See, I’m not sure it’s him – but it sure looks like it… Finally, somewhat covertly, I ask him .. “So, did you make it home ok the her morning?” He acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but I get the distinct feeling he is pulling my leg. He asks me what I’m talking about and somehow I decide to tell him.
“you see, about a week ago I brought a stranger home from the bar, really fucking shitfaced. We spent the night together, a nd the next morning he disappeared before I got out of the shower without leaving a name or a number or anything, and you kind of look like him.”
At this point I could pretty much see the wheels turning in his head. I suppose he figured he had a pretty good shot at getting laid tonight.
He was right. If it was the same dude, at least he hung around while I showered this time. And I got his name.
And somehow, I’m still empty and aching and I don’t know why….
Not sure what’s going on with me – i keep crying at inappropriate times, and am feeling SUPER lonely. And I don’t want sex. Must be period time.
But seriously. i won’t say i’ve never been worse – i’ve tried to off myself before, and trust me, i’m a long way from that. But it’s pretty fucking bad.
I’ll be back once I make it around the bend. But as a parting shot – I’ll fill you in on my Thursday night.
I decided I HAD to go out, so I proceeded to the other local watering hole (the one with pool tables!) and promised myself 2 drinks and leave by 10. The gods must have been smiling on me (sort of) because I was playing some of the best pool of my life. Well; in true Erica fashion, I’d run the table the whole game, then loose the game on the 8ball… but people kept challenging me and I was having a good time. I thought I spotted the winner (the random boy I’d taken home a few weeks past who disappeared while I showered in the morning). I decided to play it cool and didn’t say anything.
Finally he walks up to me and starts talking to me like nothing’s doing. See, I’m not sure it’s him – but it sure looks like it… Finally, somewhat covertly, I ask him .. “So, did you make it home ok the her morning?” He acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but I get the distinct feeling he is pulling my leg. He asks me what I’m talking about and somehow I decide to tell him.
“you see, about a week ago I brought a stranger home from the bar, really fucking shitfaced. We spent the night together, a nd the next morning he disappeared before I got out of the shower without leaving a name or a number or anything, and you kind of look like him.”
At this point I could pretty much see the wheels turning in his head. I suppose he figured he had a pretty good shot at getting laid tonight.
He was right. If it was the same dude, at least he hung around while I showered this time. And I got his name.
And somehow, I’m still empty and aching and I don’t know why….
posted by erica looking at 2:35 AM
1 Comments:
Thanks for that, Toby. I agree with you on some points in your comment.
First- you're right. I'm not always convinved I'm ok. Chaulk it up to a father who always bought me gym memberships and diet books for presents, horrible mean terrible kids who torment anyone who is different, or unrealistic beauty standards set by fashion magazines...
But I now think of myself as MUCH more ok than I ever have in the past. I know I'm pretty brilliant, I know I'm the one of the kindest most loving people I know, and I know I'm DAMN good in bed.
I disagree however about the dom/sub factor indicating a base feeling of not ok-ness. That may have prompted me to explore, but in all actuality, what keeps me interested is the pure knowledge that I am giving my body, my mind, my pain, to please someone else. THAT'S where i derive my pleasure in that. Always the giver.
I am looking for a partner.. I am very lonely. And having one night stands may exacerbate that feeling in the long run - I know...
But goddamn, how I hate to wake up alone.
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