Conversations with GH

ericalooking: so btw i spoke with d (of g and d) about Motorcycle Boy
GH: how is he doing? I hear he's thinking of running
ericalooking: she said not good. She said that he disappeared, leaving all his shit there, and hasnt spoken to them in a week or so, and they are fearing the worst
ericalooking: she gave me his cell number but it was prepaid and its dead now
GH: everyone I've talked to that has seen him out basically says he's still a junkie and anything he promises you should assume is a lie
GH: so as much as it pains me, he brought this unto himself
ericalooking: i know. i dont know what i was thinking, thinking i could speak to him
ericalooking: im sort of glad i didnt reach him
GH: well, it's kind of funny, the relationship he and I have
GH: if he's being good, he's proud and happy to talk to me..
GH: if he's either dealing with douchebages, or on the dope, he's ashamed to talk to me
GH: so I have an inkling before he even says anything.. I wish he could straighten the shit out
ericalooking: me too.
ericalooking: sigh
GH: do you ever think, that if you were to abandon nofan, back in those times, things could have worked out?
ericalooking: sometimes. But I also know although we had a very deep connection, we had spent very VERY little physical time together before deciding we were soulmates
GH: HELLO
GH: you two would be perfect together, that's the saddest part
ericalooking: go ahead
GH: you could save each other.. but he thinks he's a gangster, and you think you're a JAP
ericalooking: rub ut in
GH: I don't mean to be a dick
GH: but it's just sad
ericalooking: christ
GH: he's not a bad guy, you're not a bad girl
GH: it hurts me to watch you both suffer :(
ericalooking: im not sure i could save him, nor would i want that on my shoulders
GH: well if you don't want that on your shoulders... you're not right for him
GH: he probably doesn't want some aspects of your personality on your shoulders either, but life is a balance and a comprimise
ericalooking: i mean, when i put together a list of characteristics desired in a potential mate junkie is just not on the list
ericalooking: scares me
ericalooking: mousegirl couldnt stop him, what makes you think i could
GH: you had a far deeper connection
GH: I still talk to mousegirl
GH: she is a nice kid, I think fondly of her
GH: but I don't think she is proactive enough
GH: you had Motorcycle Boy by the balls
ericalooking: damnit
ericalooking: what can i do?
ericalooking: is this all just crying over spilt milk?
GH: depends
GH: I mean everytime I talk to you, you act like it's all him being a pussy
GH: if you reciprocated those feelings it'd be a different story
GH: but if you think he's a whiney bitch-fag, that's ok too.. just means something different
ericalooking: him being a pussy?
GH: yeah
ericalooking: what is all him being a pussy?
GH: in the 18 years I've known the kid, I've never heard him profess his love to a girl to that degree before
GH: you tore that kid up
GH: you know he's jewish too right?
ericalooking: STOP
ericalooking: heh.
ericalooking: i felt something so amazing with him, but at the time he was with mb's ex gf.
GH: yeah but it was obvious mb's ex gf wasn't right for him
ericalooking: i treated him very badly
ericalooking: and i realize a lot of the things he said about me that i didn't want to hear were/are true.
GH: it's too bad
ericalooking: yes, it really is
ericalooking: sigh
ericalooking: ive recently taken a rash of shit in one of my other channels who have all known me for many years
ericalooking: basically what they are all saying is that bj (before Motorcycle Boyah) i was interesting to talk to and gun and intelligent and aj i've been vapid, selfcentered and all i talk about is sex
ericalooking: sigh.
ericalooking: and so, what. What do i do now?
GH: what kind of rash of shit?
GH: well before Motorcycle Boyah you were different
GH: more of a hippy and less of a gold digger
GH: and you're not really a gold digger, but gold is more important these days
ericalooking: sure, it makes it nice, but it dosent really matter...
GH: it all matters
ericalooking: no, i mean the gold
GH: well, you're spoiled from now on
ericalooking: obviously life is easier with money. I learnt that right quick. But all the bullshit - fancy THINGS.. not important.
GH: bj, you might have thought that you could have dated (even maybe married the tow truck driver..)
ericalooking: i still think that
GH: now you've created inadequacies where there are none
ericalooking: well, i dont believe thatlove can overcome everything - but Motorcycle Boyah has nothing to do with the fact that I know what its like to want.. to not have food, or lunch money or whatever - and i never want that for my family
ericalooking: sigh.
GH: then you're a dumb ass
GH: because love trumps wealth
ericalooking: you can't eat love.
ericalooking: im not saying i have a minimum salary requirement for a potential mate - i just know i dont want to be my parents.
GH: :(
GH: :`(
ericalooking: i mean, i do want to be my parents in a lot of ways - they made me an awesome person.. I just remember what it was like to be the charity case at school.
GH: big deal, discount lunch ticket taking is less offensive then being a zionist pig dog
GH: no wonder why you condone that shit. :(
ericalooking: holy shit
ericalooking: goerge
ericalooking: i dont condone any shit.
ericalooking: do you really think i'm how you're describing?
ericalooking: fuck.
GH: you're not the first girl I've known who's abandoned their idealism
GH: it doesn't make you bad or wrong or anything
ericalooking: idealism is weakness
GH: unless you're a wellesley student that believes "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem"
GH: heh. ok I'll give up
ericalooking: thats the worst kind of weakness
GH: that statement alone speaks volumes
GH: it's not wrong to be an idealist. it's wrong to take advantage of one.
ericalooking: i dont mean in anyone else. i mean in myself
ericalooking: you cant trust the cat around the canary
GH: :(
GH: we should hang out and not drink at all
ericalooking: ok
GH: seriously, I can't tell if you're kidding or not
ericalooking: kidding about what?
GH: your own disillusionment
GH: I don't see you as one to just give up like that
ericalooking: fuck
ericalooking: i now hate myself.
GH: why?
ericalooking: its just a lot to swallow to hear what you're saying from someone i consider one of my best friends who knows me better than most
GH: I'm not trying to be a dick
GH: you just need to be true to yourself

--- today ---

ericalooking: i dont know. sigh. i really hope he calls back
ericalooking: and i just spoonerismed that (almost) and typed comes back
GH: what did he say he was doing with himself? he still intent on fleeing?
ericalooking: we really didnt speak at all
ericalooking: just a moment.
ericalooking: i asked him how he was, and he said 'alive'
GH: wasn't his old chipper self?
GH: how come it was so short? he was on a pay phone or something?
ericalooking: yeah, or borrowing a cell phone from someone. He said he'd call me though
ericalooking: all i could say, repeatedly was "i've been thinking about you alot"
GH: what did he say in response?
ericalooking: nothing really, but he didnt sound upset to hear from me. I think he was high, or distracted
ericalooking: so by the way
GH: to hear from you? I thought he called you?
ericalooking: man
ericalooking: its a tough day today. My heart is heavy.
ericalooking: hey when you're back around I want to talk a out something you said yesterday
GH: ok
GH: I am here
GH: I hope I didn't offend you :)
ericalooking: nah, got me thinking a lot tho
ericalooking: ok, heres the part i want to talk about
ericalooking: GH: he's not a
bad guy, you're not a bad girl
ericalooking: GH: it hurts me to watch you both suffer :(
ericalooking: ericalooking: im not sure i could save him, nor would i want that on my shoulders
ericalooking: GH: well if you don't want that on your shoulders... you're not right for him
ericalooking: GH: he probably doesn't want some aspects of your personality on your shoulders either,but life is a balance and a comprimise
ericalooking: you understand that what meant by that was that i dont know if i have the emotional stability or strength to deal with a junkie, right¿
GH: yeah I know
GH: I just don't see him as "a junkie", I see him as someone with a fixable problem
GH: maybe I'm stupid and naive I dunno
ericalooking: do you? I guess im so scared to believe that
ericalooking: if i could help him, and knew i wouldnt get fucked over in the process, i commpletely would
GH: if you mean "hurt" when you say fucked over, of course there will be pain.. every relationship comes with pain
ericalooking: no, i mean terrible getting fucked over in all those junky ways you see in the movies
ericalooking: of course there's pain.
GH: yeah that's a tough call
GH: even his mom has withdrawn from it to a certain degree.. :(
ericalooking: i was going to ask about that
GH: he missed her wedding and shit
ericalooking: i've never met her. Wow, that's tough. I was going to ask if there was anyone who was standing behind him
GH: I don't know if there is.. I mean he's been talking to g and craig and a few other people.. he hasn't even called me since he got out. I talked to him right before his hearing and he sounded really hopeful that he'd get moved out of plymouth and into billerica, but he never even thought he'd get out
ericalooking: sigh. Well i just hope he phones me again, when we can actually talk
GH: yeah let me know how he's doing if you talk to him again
ericalooking: i really hope i do.
GH: show him there is hope in the
world
GH: because I think he's feeling hopeless
ericalooking: i dont know what i can do to help him, but I'll try almost anything.
ericalooking: have you seen that stupid chickflick, the notebook?
GH: not sure, what's it about?
ericalooking: old lady has alzimers, guy reads a story to her every day to remind her that shes his wife and how in love they are
GH: don't think I saw it.. it was touching though?
ericalooking: theres all these flashbacks to when they were falling in love.. and there were all these stupid parallels (she was rich and headed to sarah lawrence in the fall, he was the summer romance, her parents didnt approve, took her away, he wrote every day for a year cinvinced she was his soulmate..
ericalooking: and it just made me think about the tingle, the draw - the way i felt with him. It honestly NEVER felt that way with anyone else.
GH: then save him
GH: because I know you were special to him too
GH: I think it really hurt him that you chose Motorcycle Boyah over him
ericalooking: i hate that i hurt him. I seriously hope I can help. I'm just very very scared that I will be taken advantage of - not by Motorcycle Boy, but by his addiction.
ericalooking: OHH
GH: yeah that's the tough part
GH: he's got to be in control of the addiction
GH: which I don't think he is at this stage (
ericalooking: i know he can be - he has in the past.
ericalooking: anyway, the piint I was trying to make about the sappyass movie was i know i made the wrong choice. I should have gone with that feeling. I SUCK. and now i seriously hope i can help, without fucking myself over in the process.
GH: follow your heart eh
ericalooking: ok you realize you're going to have to be a sanity check here
ericalooking: everyone else in the world is going to tell me to never speak to him again and that nothing good can come of this
ericalooking: i dont care what they say, but I need one person who has my back to warn me if im getting fucked over.
ericalooking: or gbetting myself in trouble
GH: just keep yourself in check.. be aware of your limits
GH: but you're not going to be able to help him without some hardships for yourself.. you should realize that going in..
ericalooking: what kind of hardships are you talking about?
GH: like him potentially hurting you with lies or whatever
GH: or using
ericalooking: yeah. i'm scared. Oh, well, i suppose this could all be a moot point because who knows if hes ever even going to call me back
GH: yeah he could be OD'ed in an alley right now :(
ericalooking: arrgh
ericalooking: it was like 10 of 12 when he called last night and when he said he was looking for a ride i was like half an inch away from saying 'stay put, i'll be there in an hour'
GH: someone else he asked for a ride from north station said he came and Motorcycle Boy wasn't even there once he got there..
ericalooking: yeah, i was thinking of that also
ericalooking: oh well, i guess its just holding pattern. I really do love him, I always have. I hope I can do something about this
GH: you'd be a saint
GH: and I think in the long run, if it works out, it'd benefit you as well
ericalooking: i dont want to be a saint - i just want to a. know i somehow made up for the ill I inflicted on him b. maybe i could feel those stars and yearnings and meltings again
GH: yeah, it'd be a win-win