tonight
I just came home from watching the notebook with my cousin. Not the film to watch on the day you’ve been pining for your lost soulmate (?) while your best friend basically calls you a materialistic JAP bitch.
11:54pm, as I’m starting this entry- my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, but I’m curious, so I pick it up.
“hello?” I say, laying in my comfortable bed.
At the other end of the line I hear bustle of a city I remember. “erica, it’s motorcycleboy.”
My heart skips a beat. “Hi!” I say, and suddenly, I realize I have no idea what to say next.
What I want to say: I’m lonely and pining for what we used to have. I miss us. I know you’re a junkie and out of prison for only how long? But I still feel some huge pull to find you… Show you I’m different and you can be too.
What I say:
…
“erica, g gave me the message you wanted me to call?” He sounds puzzled, or distracted.. or high? “I’m borrowing a friends cell phone..”
What I want to say: He says you’re back on the junk and on the streets and he fears the worst! I can’t bear to think of you like that. And I want to apologize. Being with nofan changed me. In some ways for the better, but many for the worst. Remember when you told me you wanted the old erica back? Well here I am, and I want the old motorcycleboy back.
What I say: “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I really want to know how you’re doing!”
“well, I’m alive,” he tries, not sounding very convincing. “Where are you at?” he asked, barely comprehendible above the din of the train station.
What I want to say: I’m in a totally different place. I realize I became kind of vapid and shallow, and lost some of my hippy self, and I lost the people I really consider friends. I don’t want to loose you.
“New Hampshire right now.” I say, instead.
“Oh, I’m at the train station, trying to get a ride out to g’s house.”
“Oh, then I’ll let you go, Sorry, I just…” I trailed off.
“Are you going to have your phone on? Want me to give you a call tomorrow?” he asks.
What I want to say: M an, I had the toughest conversation with GH today. He told me I’m too motivated by money, and the old erica knew that love conquers all. All? Heroin? addiction? Felony records? Time and mistakes? Wounded hearts?
What I say:“Of course, I mean yeah, give me a call and I can call you back, or whatever.. Man, I think about you very often.”
I want to scream into the phone, get into my car and go and find you. It might be too late, but there was a time and a place once, where we would have had bliss together. GH told me too that in all the years he’s known you he’s never seen you so torn up over a woman… never had he heard you talk about one that was more compatible.
Remember when I used to phone you? Drunk and mysterious? You had broken up with polly prissypants, and I had been with jonah for 4 months or so. I would cry and scream and be flirtatious and recall the good times, and wonder the whole time what I was doing going home to that shcmuck, when I could have had you.
You went out in sanfransico that night. You told me you were looking for a ring for me, and you needed me. I stumbled home, drunk as a skunk, in high heels with raccoon eyes from the mascara pooling with tears in the bags under my eyes. I would make love to him, thinking of you. I would hate myself for being so unfair to him. And the next time we spoke, we would awkwardly ignore the whole emotional situation.
Things got quiet and uncomfortable between us then… Later, things got even worse. I said horrible things to upset you, and you said hurtful hateful things to send me totally away. It’s been what, a year and a half since we last spoke (harshly, might I add) but I still want you. I want that connection.
SMC, forever, soulmate.
11:54pm, as I’m starting this entry- my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, but I’m curious, so I pick it up.
“hello?” I say, laying in my comfortable bed.
At the other end of the line I hear bustle of a city I remember. “erica, it’s motorcycleboy.”
My heart skips a beat. “Hi!” I say, and suddenly, I realize I have no idea what to say next.
What I want to say: I’m lonely and pining for what we used to have. I miss us. I know you’re a junkie and out of prison for only how long? But I still feel some huge pull to find you… Show you I’m different and you can be too.
What I say:
…
“erica, g gave me the message you wanted me to call?” He sounds puzzled, or distracted.. or high? “I’m borrowing a friends cell phone..”
What I want to say: He says you’re back on the junk and on the streets and he fears the worst! I can’t bear to think of you like that. And I want to apologize. Being with nofan changed me. In some ways for the better, but many for the worst. Remember when you told me you wanted the old erica back? Well here I am, and I want the old motorcycleboy back.
What I say: “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I really want to know how you’re doing!”
“well, I’m alive,” he tries, not sounding very convincing. “Where are you at?” he asked, barely comprehendible above the din of the train station.
What I want to say: I’m in a totally different place. I realize I became kind of vapid and shallow, and lost some of my hippy self, and I lost the people I really consider friends. I don’t want to loose you.
“New Hampshire right now.” I say, instead.
“Oh, I’m at the train station, trying to get a ride out to g’s house.”
“Oh, then I’ll let you go, Sorry, I just…” I trailed off.
“Are you going to have your phone on? Want me to give you a call tomorrow?” he asks.
What I want to say: M an, I had the toughest conversation with GH today. He told me I’m too motivated by money, and the old erica knew that love conquers all. All? Heroin? addiction? Felony records? Time and mistakes? Wounded hearts?
What I say:“Of course, I mean yeah, give me a call and I can call you back, or whatever.. Man, I think about you very often.”
I want to scream into the phone, get into my car and go and find you. It might be too late, but there was a time and a place once, where we would have had bliss together. GH told me too that in all the years he’s known you he’s never seen you so torn up over a woman… never had he heard you talk about one that was more compatible.
Remember when I used to phone you? Drunk and mysterious? You had broken up with polly prissypants, and I had been with jonah for 4 months or so. I would cry and scream and be flirtatious and recall the good times, and wonder the whole time what I was doing going home to that shcmuck, when I could have had you.
You went out in sanfransico that night. You told me you were looking for a ring for me, and you needed me. I stumbled home, drunk as a skunk, in high heels with raccoon eyes from the mascara pooling with tears in the bags under my eyes. I would make love to him, thinking of you. I would hate myself for being so unfair to him. And the next time we spoke, we would awkwardly ignore the whole emotional situation.
Things got quiet and uncomfortable between us then… Later, things got even worse. I said horrible things to upset you, and you said hurtful hateful things to send me totally away. It’s been what, a year and a half since we last spoke (harshly, might I add) but I still want you. I want that connection.
SMC, forever, soulmate.
posted by erica looking at 12:42 AM
4 Comments:
Yo E u have to be insane to be fucking a dude who is a junky and has been in prison and is going back. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but why do that to yourself?
Yo, dude from philly - that's the thing. I'm not fucking him. Haven't in years (he wasn't on the junk back then). This is a post about love, not about fucking.
To tell you the truth, its like draught conditions here in ericaland. Outside of the shared oral last weekend, i don't think i've had any sexual contact in like 2 weeks!
Trust me, I know thinking about motorcycle boy this way is probably going to lead to nothing but heartbreak - I guess I'm more examining the connection, the relationship, the past.
...and once more....offering up my services to either ease the drought or serve as a diversion in 2 1/2 wks. I can help drown any sorrows in drink. throwin' it out there for consideration....
Seriously, hope you don't beat yourself up too much over this
- P
ok, fair enough, I was probably too harsh anyway. As a reader I am probably too close to it since I read ur blog in one day lol.
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